*F.E.A.R*

*(As a man thinketh in his heart so is he. prov: 237)*

I didn't realise how deep it had eaten
Refused to see how it was affecting me and those around me
Perfectionism, depression and insecurity
A fatal combination.
The depression had reached deep into my soul
It had rearranged my rib cage
Made my heart its home
That I soon lacked the ability to radiate happiness
Perfectionism restricted me from letting go
Making me aware of only faults
My countenance began to change
For all I saw in myself was how I didn't measure up to society
"Not pretty enough "
"too fat"
"Not smart enough"
"too boring "
I soon understood why people found me difficult to associate with.
" a sadist " I had become.

Perfectionism took the joy away from joy
The fun away from fun
And made them all a burden.
I searched my mind for a time when I had real fun, joy, and laughter
And yes I found one
But also realized that
in those moments perfectionism, insecurity and depression
Were absent.

I hate this kind of life
So Neverland has become my escape
I've began to lose touch with reality and the people around me
I've crawled deeper into my shell
And when I rewind back to the beginning
The very start of this wretched kind of life,
All I saw was
"FEAR"
Fear of being used,
of what others think,
of not being perfect,
made me draw back from life
Drawing back made me depressed and insecure
Perfectionism was my coping mechanism, my anchor
So even when I ask for advice on how to end this
I know deep down I'll have to kill FEAR.


By
Giorbari Pop-Yornwin
400l MBBS,
UNIBEN.