Dying Flames

I remember when I still felt a lot better; when I wasn't yet tied down to a spot as I am now. Mummy will pack my hair into two big balls. My brother always said it looked like 'puff-puff'. My big sister had hair like me too and we would wear our puffs together. Now, I am eight years old and I have no more fancy hairstyles; I have no more hair at all. I am now ugly and bald.

I used to be normal and attend school like everyone else, accompanied by Ese my big sister and Uyi my not so big brother. But a time came I started falling sick, and I would faint in class now and then. Something must had gone wrong with my belly, because it wouldn't stop swelling. Then my clothes began falling off my body. That was when Peace, one 'Aproko' in my class, said I am carrying a baby in my belly. I was quite confused. I had thought only big women like mommy could carry babies in their bellies.

I cannot play with my friends anymore since I'm always weak and tired. I do not know what my teacher teaches the other kids now, because my head aches constantly and my body is always hot. Mummy had to remove me from school at a point. Each time she took me to the hospital, the Doctor would tell her I am very sick and I need to be operated on. My mummy kept saying she won't allow me do any operation. That was when the nightmare really started. Every day, I had to go with Mummy to see different dirty men and women who kept forcing some smelly concoctions down my throat. When that didn't work, she took me from one pastor to another, but I still didn't get any better.

Daddy was getting impatient and insisted that mummy should take me to the hospital but mummy never agreed, she said she knew what she was doing.
one day mommy took me to a church were the men and women wore white gowns, they said I was a witch that I should confess, they told my mom they had to torture the truth out of me, five men held me down and another used a hot knife to mark my chest and belly, I fainted many times because of the pain I almost screamed out my throat , confess they told me and you would get well, confess what ? I wondered through my pain, I have never attended any night meetings but the pain was too much, so I made a confession , I said I was a witch if that would stop the torture , but the man didn't stop, he kept scaring my body when he was finished I was in a mess of my own urine ,stool and vomit, the man who asked me to confess said I would get better in no time since I have confessed.

Weeks pass still and I was even more sick. The marks made on my skin started to fester and refused to heal , Mommy would dab it with honey and awolowo leaves but it still won't heal. That was when Daddy took me back to the hospital. Dad and mom would quarrel so much sometimes policemen would come to tell them to leave the ward, Dad called mommy a witch and said if I died she should search for a new husband .
They hated each other so much they forgot my birthday, I spent my entire nineth birthday in the hospital, it was a horrible day for me, the doctors came and passed a tube into my chest, it was so painful I cried almost throughout the day, Ese visited in the evening, she was the only one who remembered my birthday and she bought me a toy as a gift; It was a lovely doll with pink hair. It was the only day I smiled in my new home.

The medicine the doctor gives me makes me vomit a lot, sometimes it feels like am going to vomit all my intestines and it also eats up my hair . I vomit so much and eat so little no wonder I am now thin like a broom stick. I don't understand why I keep coughing it disturbs the other patients and me, It must also be because of my medication. I only pray they get the many pipes off my belly, chest and hand especially the pipes in my hands, the doctor calls it drips, I am tired of receiving drips, I wish my hands were a bit free so I could play games on mommy's phone, the pipes in my belly are so uncomfortable it was hard sleeping with it the doctor says its to make my belly smaller. I cannot get used to the pains all over my body , in fact it's like there is a new form of pain every day . Every morning the Doctors walk around my bed saying things I don't understand , I beg them with tears in my eyes, I beg them to make me better , they smile and pet me a lot , they have to when they want to change the drips on my hands.

Every child in my hospital room have gotten well and left, new patients have come and gone but I am still here. I cannot play with them because of my plenty tubes, they come once a while to talk to me but it's so hard to respond when you are coughing non stop.

I think I am a bad child. Mommy is always crying because I don't eat well, and I hardly sleep even at night. Everyone around me has become so sad. Why can't I make my mommy happy like my brother and sister; they do not fall sick .

The day I was discharged from hospital, I knew something was wrong. Ese said we had been there for over a year. But how come I didn't get any better? And why was I being sent home? Daddy explained that we had no money left for medicine. He looked so sad. That was when I knew I would never get better. They did not tell me, but I
just knew.

These days, I spend every morning on a mat in front of the house dressed in heavy sweaters and thick socks with a beanie or scarf to cover my bald head and look at the children as they go to school. Some come to greet me; sometimes they say they wish they didn't have to go to school too probably to encourage me about my ailment but I know they do not know what they are saying. I miss school so much, I miss wearing my uniform, my scandals and my barbie school bag. I miss my classmates and Aunty Sade my class teacher. I miss Daddy using me to play guitar and asking me to scratch his back. I miss fighting with Uyi and kicking ball with him. I miss jumping on Ese's back when she passes by , I miss how delicious mommy's meals used to taste, I miss the nights everyone in the family would sit in front of the television and watch soap operas , I miss being able to run and climb. I miss my puffpuff hair, I miss singing in the children's choir in Church , I miss how my life used to be.

Every day, I sit on my mat and I beg God. I don't want toys, clothes or sweets, I hold a picture of me when I was still beautiful; I was chubby with beautiful caramel skin, my hair was full on my head, kinky and beautiful especially when my mommy makes my hair into pretty twist outs. My eyes were still white and shiny. My belly was flat... I just pray that God would please make me that child again.

I was going through so much pain and sorrow. I tried not to hate my mommy if she had taken me to the hospital sooner instead of quacks I may have had a fighting chance. I am too young to be this way, what did I do to deserve this, I greet my parents, I respect my elders, I don't fight and I try not to tell lies, I have never stolen any thing in my life, I go to church and sing in the children's choir , is that not enough.

I told my sister Ese how much I hate God for not making me well, she held me in her arms and said she understood but I was unfair to hate God. I wondered how I have been unfair when God was actually unfair to me . She told about how much God loves me , then why am I sick, why is he letting me waste away? . If he loves me why is he letting me die?
God loves you she would still say , then she told me the story of Jesus up until now I have never really understood the story of Jesus. We watched the movie "The passion of Jesus Christ" Finally I understood, God didn't hate me , I felt lucky at least I am guaranteed a passport to heaven when I die

A few days later, I was on my mat in the usual spot the weather was so hot but I felt so cold and weak. All of a sudden the rain started, it started slowly at first teasing the red earth, the smell of the rain mixed with the sand was heavenly, before my ailment my siblings and I when we smelt the rain hitting the hot sand we would run outside take a little sand and put it in our mouth, the taste was beautiful.
I wanted to taste the rain sand again, the smell gave me a little strength to stand, my steps were slow and painful.
With each step my body was racked with excruciating pain, I had to be strong, so in ten minutes I walked a distance that used to take me 5 seconds. The rain was still teasing the earth, I was thankful it was if the rain got any heavier the sand smell would be gone and the taste would be ruined.
Finally getting to my destination, I sat on the ground and the smell of the earth filled my nostrils, I picked up a little bit of sand and I tasted it, it tasted good, I tried to stand up but I couldn't I was too weak, the rain started falling heavily, each drop felt like tiny fingers caressing my face. I wanted to die like this under the sweet touch of rain I felt no pain , I said my last prayers and then I laid on the soft earth with the rain on my face and a smile facing heaven.
Uyi came out to check on me and saw me on the ground in the rain, he immediately ran and picked me up , he called the entire neighborhood to help resuscitate me but I had already left this world and I was never coming back.
By
Uhunmwangho Ifueko
Path/Pharm MBBS,
UNIBEN.